Dealing with depression is really hard. But, unlike BPD, it's not hard on my emotions. It's physically painful. My joints ache and my body is heavy. Lifting my eyelids in the morning and getting out of bed is like running a marathon. It's draining. Everyday tasks like taking out the trash, cleaning my room, or even feeding myself, take a long time. Nothing is motivating. I work a full time job. The people that I work with have no personality, for the most part. They're mindless drones that have never produced a single unique thought in their heads. I find it very hard to connect with anyone, and I try often. The more effort that I pour into my relationships with people, the more that I feel distraught. Regardless of how I feel about someone, it's extremely difficult to let anyone go. I put so much blind faith into people. Everyone is worth a damn, so here are a thousand chances. Feel free to walk all over me. People take advantage of my kindness. I've let people live with me completely rent free that have been so ungrateful and left me completely empty. When I am having a tough time, these people have disappeared on me. Why do things work out that way? In more recent times, things have been better. I'm no longer friends with people that are human disease. I'm spending more time out of my cave than ever before. I have people around that are genuine. Why can't I be happy? My body will not allow it. I feel trapped. What does anyone else do to break this feeling? I don't want to medicate myself.

I've never been the kind of person to go after the things that I want because I have such a skewed self image. I became vegan 5 months ago and I've lost about 15 pounds, but I still see a heavier Robin when I look in the mirror. When I go shopping, I buy clothes that are too big for me. When I get dressed, I'm still trying to cover myself up. When I seek out any guys, I usually seek out someone that is my (usually intellectual) inferior. I spend all of this time selling myself short that I've become this person that I never wanted to be. I'm shy and actually afraid of getting what I want. That doesn't mean that I haven't become better than I was a year ago. I still think that I've improved a tremendous amount, but there is always room for improvement. Believing in all of the changes I've made and acknowledging my own worth are the best things that I can do for myself now. Meh.